Please help me welcome today’s guest, Susan Howell…
Too Much Confidence? Or Not Enough?
“I don’t want to drive late at night in this storm,” she says. “I’ll wait until morning when it clears up.”
“I’ll drive. It’s no problem,” he says.
So what just happened here? Did she lack confidence? Or did he have too much?
People who study gendered behavior report that in situations often considered “masculine” (like driving at night through a storm, for instance) women tend to feel less confident, men more confident.
When I first heard of this tendency, I quickly decided that women need to work on this. After all, if we were more self-assured, we might take on more challenges without the hesitancy that undermines our efforts.
Then it occurred to me: Maybe women don’t have too little confidence; maybe men have too much. Outside of an emergency situation, maybe no one needs to drive through a storm at night. Maybe her caution is appropriate and he’s taking unnecessary risks.
Why are we quick to assume (okay, I was quick to assume) that when research points to differences in the way men and women do things, that women are the ones in error? Should the goal be to align the behavior of us women to the standard set by men? Wouldn’t it make more sense to gauge the appropriateness of a behavior on the likely outcome of the action rather than by whether it’s the “male” or “female” way of doing things?
Once aware of this tendency, I changed the way I presented gender differences in my classes, presenting them as just that – differences. I hoped to communicate that sometimes men get it right, sometimes women get it right. Sometimes we both get it right (or wrong) in different ways.
What’s your experience? Have you ever had the other gender held up as a standard to which you need to get in line? If so, how have you dealt with this? I’d love to see your comments!
(This article is modified from its original publication by CBE International, November 18, 2012. https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/i-have-confidence-i-think/)
Excerpt:
When my husband and I were newlyweds, we lived in the city where he attended seminary. Although I looked forward to graduate training, I hadn’t yet determined where to go nor which program to pursue. It made sense, I told myself, for him to go first. He would study while I worked to support us and took time to choose a school and program for myself.
I had several friends in the same situation and spoke with them occasionally about my plans to attend school when my husband finished. I assumed they would do the same. After all, we had spent our college days studying and planning for the careers we would pursue. Why not follow through? More than one of them told me we couldn’t make plans yet since we didn’t know where God would call our husbands. We would have to wait and see.
My students will find it hard to imagine that, at first, I believed those words: I would have to wait and see. But it bothered me. I couldn’t let it go. I had studied hard and prayed for years about my professional plans. I read everything about psychology I could get my hands on. I pored over graduate school catalogs while I dreamed of the classes I would take, the skills I would hone, the clients I would treat. Was I supposed to wait and hope my husband would find a church close to a school with a graduate program in psychology?
I am happy to report that since I couldn’t let it go, I didn’t. One night I broached the topic with my husband. I told him that we had taken three years to invest in his life’s work and that before he took a church that would require a move, I wanted to get my master’s degree. I admit I felt a bit heretical. If he had asked me to defend my position, I’m not sure I could have. I just knew it felt right and needed to be said.
Imagine my surprise when he said, “Sure.”
Of course I should pursue my calling. And what would he do while I studied? We didn’t know. Just do what I had done for him, we supposed. Work in a job, either in his area or not depending on what he could find and put off better options until we could both relocate.
I was pleasantly surprised and, I admit, relieved. His commitment to my call equaled my commitment to his.
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Bio: Dr. Susan Harris Howell is a psychologist and retired university professor. She is the author of Buried Talents, which focuses on the subtle ways women are discouraged from entering many male-dominated occupations. Buried Talents was named a winner in InterVarsity Press’s 2022 Readers’ Choice Awards. She is also the author of the novel, The Spirit of Vanderlaan, a cozy mystery set on a university campus. Susan and her husband have two grown children, a daughter-in-law, one adorable grandson, and an incorrigible beagle named Doc.
Website: https://susanharrishowell.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/susan_h_howell/
Email List & Monthly Blog: https://susanharrishowell.substack.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/susanhowellwriter
Author Alicia Dean 
Thanks so much, Alicia, for allowing me to introduce your readers to my work!
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